A Bad Case of Robots Read online

  “Those two pieces are crooked,” said the robot.

  “Yes, well,” said Giles, slightly flustered, “I was in a hurry to open the door.”

  Tinatron stood in the centre of his room, swivelling its head around to take everything in. Giles felt a bit at a loss. Robot-sitting! What was he supposed to do with it? Was he supposed to talk to it? Play with it? Somehow he couldn’t see this robot rolling dice and plunking a plastic counter around a board. This was a very serious robot.

  It had been almost impossible to get Tina to leave. She’d fussed over the robot as if she were sending it away for two years instead of a few days! She’d reminded him of all the proper procedures three or four times, until Kevin had gently but firmly guided her out of the room and out the front door.

  “Your drawers are not properly closed,” announced Tinatron gravely.

  “Yeah, well.” Giles slammed shut a few drawers.

  “There is an accumulation of dust on your shelves.”

  “It’s always like that!”

  “That poster is drooping slightly in the upper right corner.”

  “So what?”

  “It is not perfect.”

  Giles just looked at the robot.

  “Look, you’ve had a long day,” he said, “why don’t you get some sleep?”

  “Sleep?” said the robot.

  “Oh, right. Should I plug you in, then?”

  “My battery does not yet require recharging.”

  “Well,” said Giles, “I’ve got to do some homework for tomorrow.”

  “I will do it,” said Tinatron immediately.

  “No thanks,” said Giles. “Besides, it’s got to be in my own handwriting, or they’ll think I cheated.”

  “I can copy any style of handwriting,” the robot replied. “I am programmed not to make a single mistake.”

  Giles looked thoughtfully at his model kit. If Tinatron did all his homework, he’d have more time to work on the bomber. It was awfully tempting. And why not? If he had to look after this robot for a few days, why shouldn’t he get something out of it! He could hand in flawless homework, too, just like Tina! He could hardly wait to see the look on her face when his scores were called out!

  “All right,” he told Tinatron. “I’ll get the books for you.”

  Maybe, he thought, this robot-sitting wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  Chapter 4

  Pure Genius

  “How’s Tinatron?” Tina asked Giles the next morning at school.

  “Fine, I guess,” Giles replied. It was only a machine, how could you describe how it was?

  “Not overheating?” Tina inquired.

  “I don’t think so, no.”

  “You plugged it in last night, according to my instructions?”

  “I did, and all the lights flickered, and a deep humming sound came from Tinatron’s chest. It was a little freaky.”

  “That’s the high voltage battery!” said Tina grandly. “It’s a beautiful creation, don’t you think, Barnes?”

  A dreamy look had come into her eyes, and Giles looked at Kevin and winked. Tina could get a little carried away sometimes.

  “Did you know,” she said, “that the word robot comes from the Czech word robota?”

  “I can’t even spell ‘Czech’,” commented Kevin.

  “Ah! If they could only see now what I’ve done with that little word of theirs,” said Tina. “I’ve made it come true. I’ve made the perfect machine!”

  “So what are you going to do with it now?” Giles wanted to know.

  “I thought that was obvious,” said Tina with an impatient scowl. “You know how slow things have been for the genius business lately! Times are tough, Barnes! People are cutting back on geniuses! But the Tinatron 1000 is just what we need to put us back on top! We’ll make a fortune! Here, look at this.”

  She held up the front page of the local newspaper. There was a large photograph of Tina and the robot accepting their award at the science fair, and underneath was a long article. The headline read: “PURE GENIUS!”

  “The calls should be pouring in any time now,” said Tina with supreme confidence.

  “Well, this is good news,” said Kevin cheerfully.

  “And Tinatron is just the first step,” Tina said. “With its help, I’ll build a whole battalion of robot workers!”

  “More robots?” asked Giles. “But why?”

  “Why?” said Tina in exasperation. “Barnes, these robots are a hundred times better than people! They’re faster, smarter, they don’t get in silly moods! And they never make mistakes. Not one! Mark my words, before long they’re going to replace people!”

  When Giles came home after school, he was greeted by the dainty clink of china and the low burble of voices from the living room. He kicked off his muddy running shoes and walked in to have a look.

  Giles gaped. It was one of the weirdest things he’d ever seen.

  His mother was sitting forward in an armchair, a cup of tea in her hand, chattering away eagerly. Opposite her was Tinatron, reclined comfortably in the sofa, a china cup held delicately between two rubber-glove fingers.

  “So the Templehof math formulas are essentially useless?” Mrs Barnes said.

  “Yes,” Tinatron replied. “My data is always flawless.”

  “Remarkable,” said Mrs Barnes. “Just remarkable. You must have incredible skill at mathematics.”

  “That is correct,” said the robot.

  Mrs Barnes and Tinatron were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t notice Giles at all. He watched, breathless, as the robot lifted the teacup to its metal face as if to drink, but then set it back on its saucer.

  “Oh, hello Giles,” said his mother, beaming. “I didn’t hear you come in. Tinatron and I are just having a fantastic discussion.”

  “I see,” said Giles tightly.

  Obviously Tinatron and his mother had hit it off brilliantly. There they were, guzzling tea and chatting away like best friends! He didn’t like it one little bit, even though he couldn’t quite explain why.

  “Now then,” said Mrs Barnes, turning back to the robot, “could you go over the Orion equations again?”

  “Certainly,” said the robot. “It’s very straightforward. Let us begin with—”

  Scowling, Giles backed out of the room and thudded up the stairs. In the doorway to his bedroom, he froze. He barely recognized his room.

  It had been tidied.

  He’d never thought of his bedroom as unusually messy—he’d seen far worse at some of his friends’ houses. But this wasn’t just an ordinary tidying up. The bed was so tightly made, you could have used it as a trampoline. There was nothing on the floor—no dirty clothes, no comics or books scattered around. He walked in warily, as if he were afraid of setting off some horrible booby trap.

  There wasn’t a speck of dust on his shelves. The posters no longer drooped. All his books had been arranged alphabetically. He opened a drawer. His socks had been tightly coiled and arranged by colour. It was frightening.

  But what really stopped Giles dead in his tracks was his model airplane kit—the one he’d been doggedly working on for weeks.

  The bomber rested in the middle of the desk, completely made, right down to the decals on the wings.

  Tinatron!

  He rushed back downstairs into the living room.

  “You built my model airplane!” he shouted at the robot.

  “Giles!” said Mrs Barnes. “What one earth’s the matter?”

  “The robot finished my model!”

  “It was incomplete,” Tinatron replied in its metallic voice. “I completed it for you.”

  “I wanted to complete it!” exclaimed Giles. “That’s the whole point! That’s the fun of it!”

  “Fun?” said the robot. “I am unfamiliar with this word. Please provide me with a concise definition.”

  “Tinatron was just trying to help,” said Mrs Barnes with a small frown.

  “I
t tidied up my room, too!” said Giles.

  “I know,” said Mrs Barnes. “I thought it looked fabulous.”

  “It is now perfect,” said Tinatron.

  “I’ll never be able to find anything!” said Giles. “I’ll need a crowbar to get into my bed!”

  Mrs Barnes didn’t seem terribly concerned by any of this.

  “You know, Giles,” she said, “there’s some people at the university who I know would be very interested in meeting Tinatron. Do you think Tina Quark would mind?”

  “I’m sure she’d be thrilled,” said Giles grumpily.

  His mother never seemed that interested in anything he’d done. She hardly even glanced at his model airplanes half the time. But bring a robot home, and she was making it tea and having a good chat and complimenting it all over the place! It was sickening!

  “Mom, why did you make it tea? It’s a robot!”

  His mother looked thoughtful. “It seemed…polite, that’s all.”

  He turned and stormed out of the room.

  Chapter 5

  The Perfect Machine

  Giles stared listlessly at his model airplane. He hadn’t hung it up with all the others. He got no satisfaction from looking at it, even if it was perfect. After all, he hadn’t built it, had he?

  Making models was the one thing he’d always thought he was good at, and now it turned out a robot could do it a hundred times better! Maybe Tina was right, robots would replace people altogether before long!

  He sighed. He’d been robot-sitting for five days now. Every afternoon he came home to his perfect bedroom, and every morning he left with his perfect homework. The robot did it all without even asking now. His marks had never been better, but it was just like the model bomber: it didn’t make him feel good at all. He thought he’d enjoy seeing Tina’s face when his scores were called out in class, but she only smiled to herself, as if she’d known all along what was going on. It was just another triumph for her robot!

  Giles heard a knock at the door and went downstairs to answer it. Kevin stood glumly on the front steps.

  “Come in,” said Giles. “Where’s Tina?”

  “Oh, she’s in the workshop, drawing up plans for more robots. I don’t see her much anymore. Every now and then she comes up for a meal, and looks at me and Mom and Dad and just shakes her head a little sadly, and then goes back downstairs.”

  “At least you don’t have to listen to her talking about what a genius she is,” said Giles.

  “I guess,” said Kevin. “But you know, I actually miss her! Lately she hasn’t even bothered telling me what a tiny brain I have! Even that would be better than this silence!”

  “Well, if it’s any comfort, my Mom’s fallen in love with Tinatron.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. They talk for hours together. Right now they’re in her study, working on some new math equation. Mom’s all excited. She keeps saying it’s going to be perfect!”

  “I bet,” said Kevin.

  All the lights in the living room suddenly flickered.

  “That’s Tinatron,” said Giles. “Dad says the electricity bills are going to be terrible.”

  “You know what’s really terrible?” said Kevin awkwardly. “Here. This is why I came over. ”

  He fished around in his pocket and handed Giles a crumpled business card.

  Tina Quark and Associates

  Local Genius Service

  Capable of Absolutely Everything!

  Reasonable Rates

  “She’s taken your name off!”

  Giles exclaimed. Kevin nodded. “And I don’t think I’m one of the associates either.”

  “But she can’t do that!” blustered Giles. “It’s not fair!”

  “I’ve been replaced, Giles, replaced by robots.”

  Mr Barnes walked in, carrying a huge sheaf of construction plans.

  “You two look pretty low,” he said. “What’s up?”

  “A crazy case of robots,” muttered Kevin.

  “I think I know what you mean,” sighed Mr Barnes, slumping back on the sofa between the two of them. “Take a look at this.”

  He spread out the detailed plans for his home renovations. They were covered in precise red scribbles.

  “Tinatron,” said Giles simply.

  “Yes,” said Mr Barnes. “I’ve been working on these for months, and now I find red pen all over them. The infuriating thing is, the robot’s absolutely right.”

  “Maybe we should just accept it,” said Kevin. “Tinatron’s better than us.”

  “Well, I think you’re being a little hasty there,” said Mr Barnes. “There’s no question machines can do some things faster than us, and more efficiently, but we’re still better at a lot of other things.

  All three sat in silence for a few moments.

  “I can’t think of anything,” said Giles. “What about you Kevin?”

  “Completely blank,” said Kevin with a defeated shake of his head.

  “Well,” said Mr Barnes, “I’m sure if you had a good long think, you’d come up with something!”

  “Still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not on the business card anymore,” said Kevin miserably.

  All the lights in the room flickered again. But this time there was a sharp crackling noise from upstairs. Then the whole house went dark.

  Chapter 6

  Blowing a Fuse

  “What happened?” said Giles, rushing into his mother’s study.

  “Are you all right, Elizabeth?” Mr Barnes asked his wife.

  “Fine, fine!” she said impatiently. “It’s Tinatron!”

  The robot was slumped against the wall, smouldering.

  “It said it needed more power to solve the equation,” explained Giles’s mother breathlessly, “so I plugged it in. Then it started humming, getting louder and louder, and all of a sudden it was shooting out sparks!”

  “It looks like it’s overloaded itself,” said Giles.

  “Serves it right,” Kevin said. “Show-off.”

  “What a shame,” said Mr Barnes.

  “What are you three grinning about?” cried Mrs Barnes. “We were right in the middle of making a mathematical breakthrough!”

  Secretly Giles wanted to cheer. But he knew it would be no laughing matter if the robot really were damaged and Tina found out. He walked over to Tinatron and flicked a switch at the top of its head, just as Tina had shown him. To his relief, the robot’s flashlight eye lit up.

  “I wonder if it’s all right,” said Mrs Barnes worriedly.

  “I am Tinatron 1000,” said the robot. “I am the perfect machine.”

  “Oh, I think it’s just fine,” said Giles with a mocking smile.

  “Ask me any question. I am programmed to answer it without error.”

  “Maybe later,” said Giles. He was already sorry he’d turned the robot back on.

  “You may make the question as difficult as you wish.”

  “Two plus two,” said Giles in a bored voice, hoping to shut it up.

  “Five,” said the robot instantly.

  Giles blinked and looked at Kevin. Could this be a joke? But robots didn’t have a sense of humour. Tinatron certainly didn’t—that had been abundantly clear all along.

  “Are you sure about that, Tinatron?” Giles asked carefully.

  “Yes,” said the robot.

  “I think,” said Giles, “we’ve got a problem.”

  “It probably didn’t hear you,” said Kevin. “Tinatron, what’s six times six?”

  “Forty.”

  “Oh dear,” said Mrs Barnes softly.

  “The answer is thirty-six,” said Kevin.

  “Let’s try something else,” Giles suggested. “Tinatron, what colour is Kevin’s sweater?”

  “Thirty-six?” said the robot hopefully. A few more sparks licked out from its metal frame. It peered down at the papers on Mrs Barnes’s desk.

  “What is this?” it asked.

  “It’s the eq
uation we were just working on!” said Mrs Barnes.

  Tinatron picked up one of the sheets, staring at it intently.

  “I know what to do with this,” it said.

  “You do?” said Mrs Barnes excitedly.

  Everyone waited to see what the robot would say next. With great concentration, Tinatron folded the paper once, then twice. Then it quickly made a whole series of folds, until it held a paper airplane in its rubber-glove hands. The robot sent it gliding across the room.

  It’s flipped, thought Giles.

  “This is a disaster!” said Mrs Barnes. “We should call Tina right away!”

  “Oh, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” said Kevin quickly.

  “Maybe it just needs some time to recover,” suggested Giles.

  Tinatron squeezed past him and walked into the hallway.

  “Look,” said Mr Barnes to Kevin and Giles, “you two keep an eye on it, I’ll fix the fuses.”

  The robot had wandered into Giles’s bedroom and was going through the bookshelves, picking out books, glancing at them and then dropping them onto the floor.

  “That’s a fine model,” Tinatron commented. “Did you build it, Giles?”

  “No, you did.”

  Tinatron picked up the bomber, turning it over in its hands. One of the wings snapped off.

  “Oh dear,” said Tinatron.

  Giles had never heard a robot say “Oh dear” before. He began to laugh. So did Kevin. So did Tinatron. It came out as a rather odd metallic booming noise, but it was laughter all the same.

  At that moment, Tina walked in.

  She just stood there, looking from Giles to Kevin, then the robot.

  “All right, what have you done to it?” she demanded.

  “Well,” said Kevin in a faltering voice, “it’s like this—” “Tinatron’s had a nasty shock,” said Giles. “It overloaded itself while doing a math problem with my Mom.”

  “Impossible,” said Tina. “It’s programmed not to overload itself; it wouldn’t make a mistake like that.”

  Giles shrugged. “I think it did anyway.”

  “Are you malfunctioning, Tinatron?” Tina asked

  “Ask me a question. I will give the incorrect answer.”